Critical Investigation:Learner Response (Draft 1)

1. Type up your teacher comments from your first draft - these are your main targets that you must address.

WWW: There is a lot to admire here. Comprehensive research, a pretty clear argument and relevant contemporary examples. Now you need to push this to the top level…

EBI: Written English needs work – mainly grammar/sentence structure. Why do you keep using random commas two words into a sentence? Proofreading + correction essential.        
  • Although your bibliography is phenomenal, there isn’t quite enough evidence of this in the text itself. This is particularly true for academic sources and feminist theory. More Butler, Van Zoonen, Mulvey, McRobbie please.

  • The second half of the essay becomes repetitive… particularly the stuff on Jennifer Lawrence. Where is the historical text discussed? You also miss out on more discussion of the second half of the question – impact on audience perhaps brings in Gerber’s cultivation theory here?

  • Last page is weak… you need to offer a much more thoughtful consideration of where feminism + Hollywood might be in the future. Trump? It looks like things could go backward!

         Peer Assessment Feedback - Page by Page


Peer Assessment – Page 2 feedback points

o  WWW: Good use of examples and theorist
o  EBI: Review footnotes they are far too big. Elaborate on vital points with technical terms.
Peer Assessment – Page 3 feedback points

o  WWW: Clear and constructive focus solely on the question. Gave a good range of examples on the characters
o  EBI: Use more quotes and theorists
Peer Assessment – Page 4 feedback points

o  WWW: Great use of media theory
o  EBI: Could perhaps talk about the economical and political side of SHEP more.
Peer Assessment – Page 5 feedback points

o  WWW: Great use of representations that creates media effects with psychology
o  EBI: Possibly bring control, male domination into this? Sexism, Misogyny, Feminism
Peer Assessment – Page 6 feedback points

o  WWW: Good writing, interesting topic looking at a good range of viewpoints
o  EBI: Lots of opportunity to add in theorists here. Use the recent feminism theories we learned with Mr. Bush. You could also use Medhurst – Shorthand, Narrative theory – Propp, Alvarado, Mulvey – Male Gaze and Gill – Female Gaze.
Peer Assessment – Footnotes Feedback

o  WWW: A decent amount of footnotes, with some range in source types
o  EBI: Ensure you include first initial of author and maybe more books
Peer Assessment – Bibliography

o  WWW: 53 sources! You have a good range between websites and books
o  EBI:  Add in moving image text references, textual sources, and historical sources. Good range of books but you could maybe use books a bit more.  


2. Write what level/mark/grade you are aiming for in your second draft.
  • L4 - A fluent and analytical investigation which explores the chosen topic from a clear, autonomous and critical perspective, making use of extensive and wide-ranging research.
  • L4 = 37- 48 marks
  • B/A grade
3. Write a numbered action plan of at least five things - ideally one for each of the eight EBIs you received in feedback in your Peer Assessment lessons - that you will do or change for your second draft that will help you get there. Be specific and explain in detail.

  1. Widen my range of sources in my bibliography - E.G) Moving Image Text
  2. Explore all angles of my question - In this draft, I focused more on the 1st part only
  3. Explore wider contexts (SHEP) - Male domination etc
  4. Bring my bibliography through in my writing more - At the minute I have a wide-ranging bibliography with a lot of good sources but I only seem to be bringing through 1/2 of it in my writing. 
  5. There are many media theories out there other than the ones we studied in class - I could study those (e.g. feminism theories) and attempt to incorporate it into my work. 




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